The Contract

A friend of mine and I were discussing sex scandals over a cup of coffee recently. You know- Woods, Edwards, Sanford, etc, etc. We speculated that the next rage would be ‘pre-lover’ agreements- pre-conceived legal contracts that might help lead these transgressors out of the trackless land of infidelity and scandal with dignity. We laughed, and I said if nothing else the idea might give me a notion for a poem or story. Here it is, folks. A story set to poem, from the point of view of the male half of the equation...

You’ve only just let down your hair,
Stripped down to sexy underwear,
In Motel Cheap that’s not too far
From where we met at Downtown Bar,
In turn not far from where I slipped
Away from my tedious Business Trip...

You’re lookin’ fine- you can bet I’ll be fast,
But, honey, I’ve learned from experience past
That though a fling can be a blast
We must first our expectations cast...

That’s right- on paper, draw it up
Somewhat akin to a wedding pre-nup.
I’ve got the forms here in a stack-
Right next to my Trojans pack.

It says, “I, _______” What was your name, dear?
“Promise to faithfully heed and adhere
To the rules and restrictions outlined within...”
This is serious, dear! Wipe off that grin!

See, first you swear you’ve got no STDs,
Just initial next to that paragraph, please.

Page Two is all about how you’ll deny
You know me if ever my wife were to try
To find out what really goes on when I say
I’m lonely and chaste while I’m away.

And of course you’ll agree not to talk to the press,
As that would result in a terrible mess.

And then, my dear, as you see- there’s more...
Perfunctory stuff, but on Page Four
You’ll note- now don’t think this is sleazy,
But I’ve listed techniques (with illustrations) that please me.

And then- last page- to end it all
It says you’ll be ready when I call
To glam it up with heels and gown
The next time I return to town...

Hey, honey, now, don’t shake your fist!
They tell me I’m impossible to resist.
You won’t let a little bit of paper be comin’
‘Tween you and me and some hot, heavy lovin’...

Will you?

SLAM!
.