Quiet

I remember...

...when I was seven years old my hearing was tested. I don’t know whether it was my mother or my first grade teacher who initiated the test. Turned out there was nothing wrong with my hearing. But maybe... just maybe... it’s a clue.

You see, I’m trying to figure out why I’m so quiet. After 46 years of being quiet, why try to figure it out now? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll blame it on a mid-life crisis, same excuse I used for spending a God-awful amount of money getting my teeth cosmetically fixed a year ago. Yeah, that sounds good. So indulge me.

Back to ‘seven years old.’ My hearing was normal, my grades were good, and so whatever problem I had was dismissed. But maybe, just maybe... my brain has some sort of trouble processing language, even though I can hear the words just fine. And maybe this mis-wiring effects ‘outgoing’ as well as ‘incoming‘...

I can never remember a time when I did more talking than listening. Voluntarily, anyway. In fact, I learned along the way to compensate for this awkwardness by cueing other people to talk. By encouraging them to talk. Like The Evil Seductress does http://garnet44.blogspot.com/2007/09/evil-seductress.html .

I learned that most people love to talk about themselves, given the chance. And if someone’s talking that means I don’t have to...

It was a rough learning curve. At one point in time I came to the conclusion I was wrong to be quiet and shy. Wrong as in sinful. How in heaven’s name can one get out and do God’s work in the world if one doesn’t speak up? If one fades into the background?

“Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I’m too quiet, and too shy.”

Father, bless his heart, kindly explained to me that being quiet and shy was not a sin and was, in fact, refreshing in this age when so many people and things are ‘in your face’...

Which made me feel a little better.

And eventually, eventually I learned to swim in deep water without drowning.

Though from time to time I still feel as if I’m going under....

Which makes me wonder

Why.
.